Now entering its 10th year, the International Analysis Paralysis Tournament continues to see contestants deep in contemplation over their next moves. This century we’re seeing the best of the best—the indecisivest of the indecisive—vie for the title of the Most Analytically Paralyzed Gamer.
Dawd Ling, the much-hyped newcomer, impressed the judges early on with her mumbled ramblings regarding which color she would choose to play as. Word from the gaming floor suggested she was contemplating the various advantages/disadvantages of the shading differences between the dark yellow and the light orange pieces. Ling initially lost time by actually making a choice, only to regain her position on the clock by changing her mind (repeatedly) only seconds later.
Over at a wargaming table, Slugbert McSnail sat, head tilted, cheek resting in his hand. He claimed to be calculating his attack and defense stats for each possible combination of chits, regardless as to their position on the board.
Lolly Gagg, the most energetic of the contestants, sat at a table with an elaborately carved Chess set. Every few hours, she would move her fingers to another of his pieces on the board and look at her opponent for the slightest reaction. She would then loudly argue aloud with herself regarding the piece in question. Gagg was clearly playing the long game, having touched each piece well over a hundred times in the past week alone.
And, as the ten-year mark passed last month, the judges were stunned when contender Mo Lasses finally decided on which chair to sit in at his table. When our reporter on the gaming floor last reported, Mo was causing a bruise to form on his chin from tapping it with his finger for so long as he mulled over his choice of game for the tournament.
It is with great sadness that we announce that Crawlvin Plodder was disqualified from the Tournament last week. Long regarded for his Thousand Mile Stare while mulling over moves, Plodder was found to be in an infinite state of Analysis Paralysis. Sadly, the housekeeping crew discovered him to be dead when they made their weekly rounds on the main floor, dusting off the players.
This century’s International Analysis Paralysis Tournament is presented by Procrastination Productions and sponsored by Heinz Ketchup. Along with the coveted title, the winner will take home the tournament’s trophy: a sculpture of an artist staring at a blank canvas.
Add Comment